


You Wanna Be On Top?

by Archaism



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Boyband Rivalry, Comic Relief, Modelling, Next Top Model, Something Funny For Money, charity - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-20
Updated: 2013-02-05
Packaged: 2017-11-26 06:17:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/647479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Archaism/pseuds/Archaism
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>**In aid of Comic Relief**</p><p>The one where Louis has a sass match with Miss J and Liam gets voted off for looking like a drag queen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue & Week One

**Author's Note:**

> So THIS: http://easilyconfussed.tumblr.com/post/40452554735/ happened, then much discussion happened, and then this fic happened.
> 
> Then we decided that as we had 8 chapters, and it's 8 weeks to Red Nose Day, we'd see if we could get some people to read it, you know Directioners and the like, seeing as how there are a few of them ;) 
> 
> And we thought if each of those few that read it, donated £1, we might be able to raise a nice little chunk of money!
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoy!
> 
> (And huge thanks to Brie for being our Beta!)

When One Direction signed up to take part in Comic Relief, the last thing they expected was to be starring in their own mini-series of Next Top Model, least of all hosted by the original American judging panel who agreed to come on board for such a great cause.  
  
Zayn had been stupidly excited about it until the Beeb informed him that The Wanted had also been signed up. He swore to anyone that would listen to him that if that clown Max brought up the fact that they were the Comic Relief poster boys before One Direction, their ongoing Twitter war could very well escalate in a drunken brawl on camera. It may have started as banter, but if any of them said the wrong thing, the perceived animosity could suddenly become very real and no one really wanted that.  
  
The whole thing had been filmed over a ten-day period. Due to both bands having other commitments, photoshoots were completed daily rather than weekly. However, the edited show would then run as the actual show did, on a weekly basis, with the catwalk final taking place live on the night of the Red Nose Day itself.  
  
Neither of the bands were too happy with the news that they would be living in such close quarters, no matter how short the time. However, at the end of the day it was for charity and they got to work with Tyra Banks. Management on both sides hoped that the show would go a long way to stopping the online rivalry between Directioners and TWFanmily. Although, Zayn sticking a poster of Max’s ex Michelle Keegan next to his bed as soon as he arrived was _not_ a good start, as both sets of fans took to twitter and tumblr trying to outdo the other fandom.  
  
Thankfully they were thrown head first into filming and their first morning - and thus the first episode - was straight into runway training and Louis’ first run in with Miss J. Louis had been on a slow boil since Siva had been highly praised - “well, I _have_ modeled before”- been allowed to sit out for most of it and then proceeded to make his own judgemental comments from the sidelines. Followed by further scathing remark from Miss J about Harry’s walk looking like he’d been ‘ridden hard and put away wet’.  
  
It all came to head though when Louis was pulled up again for his posture and he blew up at her with “I know how to walk mate, been doing it since I was like 14 months old. Ask my mum!” which didn’t go down well at all. In fact, he’d been handed a pair of bright red stillettos with a four inch heel to put on to “encourage you to stand straight while you walk.” as punishment for his sass.  
  
They’d quickly been ushered by the production team into their first shoot which entailed being photographed whilst runway-walking topless on a treadmill. Max and Liam were in great spirits and had no complaints about removing their tops and flexing their abs at each other. Zayn was not happy about this “bonding” exercise, and quickly dragged Liam away to help the rest of the band with Niall’s crisis over his ‘love handles’ and the length of his shorts - or lack thereof.  
  
The shoot went surprisingly well with Harry only falling off the treadmill once, and Niall being pulled away from the refreshment table three times. At the end of the first day they were supposed to head straight back to the ‘model house’ and rest for the next day's shoot. The Wanted’s Jay however had other ideas and hit up Funky Buddha and the rest of the house were rudely awakened by him crashing home at 4am accompanied by at least two cast members of Take Me Out.  
  
Nobody was surprised that even before the first judging panel, Jay was booted for his ‘unseemly behaviour’, (“‘S better now. All those Jays were confusing me.” Niall had commented) but everyone was shocked when Nathan was also eliminated for his poor performance at both the catwalk training and photoshoot. A sour taste was left in Zayn’s mouth however when Siva got best photo and he swore he wouldn’t let it happen again.  
  
Once shooting of the entire series had actually finished, the boys from each band were sent back to their regular lives with strict instructions NOT to talk about their experiences while the thirty minute shows were aired weekly on BBC3, to hype the build-up to the main event.  
  
So until March 15th, Liam, Niall, Harry, Zayn and Louis agreed to make room in their schedules and take it in turns to host whenever the show was on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!! If you liked it, please share it with your friends and if you'd like to donate £1 to Comic Relief, that would also be amazing :)
> 
> Here is the link http://my.rednoseday.com/sponsor/crntm
> 
> THANK YOU!! 
> 
> Mich, Emma & Sarah x


	2. Week Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Oh God. It’s makeover week.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Brie for her beta skills again :)

The One Direction boys look forward to their weekly viewing of the show in the run up to Comic Relief night, even if Louis does think the editing shows him in a poor light.  
  
They’d already gathered at Louis’ for the first episode, which was, like any Tomlinson get-together, fun but exhausting. Louis had made them do a shot every time Tyra had said ‘fierce’, which ended up being a surprisingly high number of times for the first day.  
  
“I don’t remember hearing her say it that much?” Zayn had said, baffled and more than a little worse for wear after one too many Tequilas.  
  
“That’s because you’re _already_ fierce, darling!” Louis had replied, attempting his best Tyra impression - NOT a good one - gesturing wildly with his arms, snapping his fingers and making them do another shot.  
  
They’d all laughed uproariously at the irony as they watched Jay being sent home basically for drinking too much, and then had all promptly fell asleep where they sat so they didn't have to relive Nathan's elimination.  
  
Today, for episode two, everyone is making themselves comfortable in any available seat, including giant squashy beanbags, in Harry’s living room as "You wanna be on top?", the opening credits of ‘Next Top Model’, sings out from the TV.  
  
“It’s starting,” Niall states the obvious as he balances a plate of Peri-Peri chicken and a can of beer on his lap.  
  
“No shit mate. We’d never have guessed.” Zayn can’t understand why he feels so nervous again. He knows what happened from personal experience, but so far, the editing has made him cringe so he doesn’t know what to expect.  
  
None of them do. Niall pouts slightly at the snappish retort from one of his best friends, but turns his attention back to the screen.  
  
“Oh God. It’s makeover week,” Louis groans, wondering just how much of a diva he’s going to come across as this time.  
  
“Yeah! I’ve been waiting for this episode. That argument you had with Mr Jay was brilliant and I cannot wait to see it again.” Niall continues to speak around whatever he's eating, ignoring Louis giving him the finger.  
  
“Wasn’t as bad as Hazza’s flip-out when _Miss_ J came at him with those clippers,” Louis fires back. “Thought he was going to have a heart attack!”  
  
They all turn to look at Harry, who has a hand pushed possessively in his curls. “What?” Harry looks as horrified now as he did on the actual day. “You all know my power lies in my curls. I would be half the man I am without them. And my mum would have cried.”  
  
Zayn can’t help his bubble of laughter that breaks free, as Harry continues to grip his world-famous locks defensively, a look of utter horror in his eyes as he watches the screen.  
  
“But half the world’s sexiest top models have buzz cuts, Harry!” Liam says, rubbing a hand over his own head, “You have to do what the job requires.”  
  
Harry stares at Liam. "Since when did _you_  become such an expert? You're a singer, not a model."  
  
“Yeah, shut up Liam. It only works on people when you _can’t_ see all the bones in their skull,” Louis retorts, then turns to Harry. “Don’t worry Haz. I would have protected you anyway. The Jays don’t scare me.”  
  
“Apart from your mum,” Zayn teases. Louis just sticks his tongue out, not actually denying the statement.  
  
Niall turns up the volume. “Lads. Sssh,” he says, mouth full, and gestures at the TV with the remote.  
  
A distinctly unmanly shriek of “TYRA MAIL” is heard and Louis can be seen on screen running into the large living room with just a towel around his waist holding a card, slipping because of bare, wet feet, nearly losing the towel.  
  
“I can’t believe they left that in.” Louis grumbles at the possibility of him baring all on national television.  
  
Niall guffaws. “Comedy gold, that is mate!” He ducks to avoid the empty beer can that is flung at his head. “I kinda wish you’d dropped the towel... ratings would be through the roof.”  
  
On the show, the other boys arrive from various parts of the house to join Louis, and Zayn whips the card from his hands. A scuffle ensues as Zayn tries to open and read it before they all chant the words aloud together:  
  
 _“Look in the mirror, memorise what you see. Tomorrow is a new beginning. xoxo Love Tyra”_  
  
Eight pairs of hands on screen instinctively move to their heads, as they all realise at the same time what this means. A picture-in-picture of Tyra pops up in the corner of the screen, affecting what she presumably considers to be her best “evil grin” and she says “That’s right girls and boys. Well, just boys. It’s makeover time! Mwahahahaha!”  
  
There’s a short Comic Relief video to remind the viewers what the programme is all about, and Niall is out of his seat, legging it to the kitchen before it has even started, looking for something else to munch on. “Harry! What have you got to eat, mate?”  
  
“I dunno. Just raid the cupboards,” Harry calls over the back of the sofa, “and bring me another beer.” Louis nudges him in the ribs. “Please!”  
  
Niall comes back with a four-pack of beer, a bag of popcorn, some salt and vinegar Pringles and a jar of pickled onions.  
  
“Where the hell did you find those?” Harry eyes the jar in horror. “I haven’t bought pickled _anything_ in about five years.”  
  
Niall shrugs, already stuffing Pringles into his mouth, three at a time. “Back of the cupboard. Don’t think they go off though.” He pauses for a moment, handful of crisps halfway to his mouth. “Do they?”  
  
Harry laughs. “Dunno mate. But you’ve got a lead-lined stomach, so I wouldn’t worry.”  
  
Niall opens them anyway, popping one in his mouth.  
  
“It’s coming back on,” Liam points out. “Where is everyone?”  
  
“If by everyone you mean Zayn, I think he’s in the bog,” says Louis. But when Zayn comes back into the living room, the smell of fresh smoke wafting in behind him, he adds “I stand corrected.”  
  
Liam looks up, watching Zayn as he settles back into his beanbag. “When did you start that again?”  
  
Zayn looks suitably guilty, and wriggles lower into the beanbag until he is hidden from sight, and points to the TV, glad of the distraction. “Look! Louis is having his hissy fit.”  
  
“I’m gonna look like a  <beep> elf!” On-screen Louis is wailing at Mr Jay.  
  
“Well, you’re the right height in all fairness,” Siva quips causing Louis to spin on his bare feet, rage in his eyes.  
  
“What the <beep> did you just <beep> say to me you lanky streak of <beep>?”  
  
Miss J is standing, hip popped, watching the interchange between Louis and Siva with amusement, her head snapping from side to side, but it’s her counterpart that steps in between them.  
  
“Look. Tyra wants you to have this cut Louis," Mr Jay says. ":She thinks it will bring out your full model potential. This is what would happen in the modelling world-”  
  
“But I’m not _in_ the modelling world!” Louis interjects, “I’m in a  <beep> band.”  
  
Mr Jay is reaching for his phone, no doubt to dial Tyra, when Miss J sashays forward, comb in hand, and starts sweeping Louis’ hair back, so he can see what it will look like. “Look, Babycakes! It’s not that bad!”  
  
“No!” Louis drags her hand away. “I’m not a <beep> pixie or an elf _or_ a  <beep> Orc or anything else from Lord of the Rings so GET. OFF. MY. HAIR.” In the palpable silence that follows, he glances around the salon and notices that everyone else is staring at him now.  
  
Real-life Louis is visibly cringing, even though he has his t-shirt pulled up over more than half his face. Management is going to skin him alive for his language.  
  
Harry nudges him, laughing. “You forgot to say please.”  
  
“Oh shut up,” Louis says, punching him in the arm. “Anyway, you’re next.” He nods towards the telly and Harry sinks lower in his chair, burying his face in Louis’ arm.  
  
“Oh god, Lou. I feel sick.” He moans, watching himself on the screen almost in tears as Miss J  approaches him with the clippers. He can still recall her holding them, and the buzz near his right ear, whilst she was telling him to “take one for the team”.  
  
Niall starts laughing again. “But you know it’s alright in the end, Harry. This was weeks ago! Even if they _had_ shaved your head, it’d have grown back by now.”  
  
“And remember when you told Fearne to shave it live on Children In Need? You weren’t this freaked out then,” recalls Zayn, on his way to the kitchen.  
  
“Pfft!” snorts Louis. “You didn’t see him backstage! He was sweating!”  
  
They all look at the screen again, just as Miss J is brandishing the hair clippers and saying to the room, “Well _someone_ needs to get shaved!” And her voice is just dripping with innuendo, but Liam doesn’t seem to notice that as he steps up to her, drops his head and raises his hand.  
  
“Aww Liam. You hero. At least you have an explanation for why you did it now.” Niall leans over and rubs his hand over the soft fuzz of his friend’s head, careful not to spill his fresh bowl of cornflakes that he’d needled Zayn into getting for him when he’d gotten up to get a fresh round of beers.  
  
“Lou gave me the biggest bollocking for it when she saw me,” Liam admits sheepishly.  
  
It hadn’t been pretty. Their stylist of almost three years had not been impressed in the slightest at them allowing the NTM team to change their hair so drastically without consulting her first, good cause or not.  
  
“Yeah, well imagine what she’d have done to _me_ ," Harry pipes up with a shudder.  
  
“I’m still laughing that they tried straightening it, mate.” Niall sprays beer and crisps over the carpet as he giggles like an over-stimulated six year old on a sugar high. “Who knew your hair was longer than Louis’ X-Factor do?”  
  
Harry glares at the Irishman, wondering how to cause him to choke and make it look like an accident. He’d been thankful that Tyra, who’d turned up near the end of the salon session with her camera, had taken one look at him and decided to let him wash his hair again so his natural look returned.  
  
“I still think those twats from The Wanted got off pretty easy. I mean... Max already has a shaved head so they just neatened it up and threaded his monobrow. And flippin’... ‘I’m already a model’! ” Zayn huffs at the memory of Siva being given a hairdo to ‘match’ his own in the hope it would ignite some kind of friendship between them... pfft.  
  
“Tom didn’t look any different either. He was supposed to have a pixie cut too wasn’t he? What the beep?” Louis says drily, censoring himself.  
  
The photoshoot that followed was the most relaxed one they had to do throughout the series, looking back. They were dressed in their own style rather than being completely styled by Mr Jay. Tyra had seated them on chairs and allowed them to simply 'smoulder'.  
  
Zayn naturally got top photo, even though he was quietly unhappy with his new blonde streak at the front of his quiff that he felt made him look like an ice cream cone.  
  
Niall surprised them all by getting runner-up for best photo, his blue eyes “popping” with his newly bleached locks. Janice had looked like she wanted to eat him for dinner, and made no secret of it either when she climbed onto the judges’ table and pretended to claw at him like a big cat. He’d looked like he was about to shit himself, discreetly backing away from her while Tyra and the other judges praised him.  
  
Max hadn’t quite mastered the smoulder though. Tyra kept trying to get him to “give more” with his eyes, tried to teach him the ‘smize’, but he couldn’t seem to grasp it. When they got to judging, Nigel had tried to let Max down easily, complimenting his hairstyle - of course, they were practically bloody twins - and that it was a nice shot, but it was lacking _something_. Then Janice just told Nigel that he was blind and Max’s shot made him look like a serial killer. Max went home that week and they faded out his picture from the new group shot.  
  
When the “Coming up” preview comes on at the end of the credits, off-screen Niall gives a huge gasp - then starts choking on a pickled onion.  
  
Liam leans over and gives him a hard thump on the back, “Alright mate? What brought that on?”  
  
Giving Liam a thumbs-up for the assist, Niall chews and swallows the onion, says “Thanks! I just remembered though. The next episode. Ha!”  
  
And nobody misses the way Liam’s face turns an interesting shade of red.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!! If you liked it, please share it with your friends.
> 
> Please remember, we're writing to raise money for Comic Relief (not that we're claiming this is hilarious to read, but it's definitely funny in our heads!!) and if you'd like to donate £1 to Comic Relief, that would also be great :)
> 
> Here is the link to our page http://my.rednoseday.com/sponsor/crntm
> 
> THANK YOU!!
> 
> Mich, Emma & Sarah x


	3. Week Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the end, it’s Siva who brings out the wrath in Liam.

A week later, the band had finished up in the studio early so that they could gather together once more, this time at Niall’s, to watch the latest installment.  
  
“TYRA MAIL!” Niall is shouting at the top of his voice on screen.  
  
“Niall, you don’t have to shout, we’re all right here.” Liam is wiggling his finger in his ear, trying to get his hearing to come back.  
  
Niall reads the Tyra Mail out to the rest of the guys:  
  
 _Don’t be jealous, don’t be mad. Being greedy will make you sad._  
 _Don’t be lazy, if you’re a lover. And whether you’re proud, we’re about to discover. xoxo Love Tyra_  
  
Real-life Zayn laughs, “Oh I remember that Tyra Mail! That’s the one where Louis said-”  
  
As if on cue, on-screen Louis is rolling his eyes and saying, “God, can’t they be a bit more inventive with these things?”  
  
Back in Niall’s living room, from where he is sitting on the floor at Zayn’s feet, Harry turns to look up at Louis, “Were you determined to piss off _everyone_ on this show, Lou?”  
  
Louis just shrugs nonchalantly. “Well! Everyone knew what _that_ was going to be about, didn’t they?” He gestures at the TV where the seven remaining boys, noticeably separated into two groups - a five and a two - are discussing the contents of the Tyra Mail.  
  
“No prizes for what I’ll get.” Harry is pouting on screen, and real life Harry puts his hand over his eyes in embarrassment. Zayn ruffles his hair affectionately.  
  
Niall is laughing, “Well, I’ll be getting gluttony won’t I? Will I get to eat on the actual shoot? That’ll be good craic.” The others, both on-screen and in real life are laughing at his excitement at being surrounded by food.  
  
Aside from those two though, the others can’t quite decide which of the seven deadly sins they’re likely to be. There’s a cutaway, to the next morning, they’re all arriving on set and Mr Jay is waiting for them, his silver hair glistening under the studio lighting.  
  
“Morning boys! You sleep well?”  
  
There is a lot of general mumbling, except from Zayn who still looks half asleep, and with a giggle, Louis nudges him and mutters “Sloth” under his breath.  
  
Mr Jay turns towards the sound. “Ooo, did I hear someone say sloth?” Louis half-raises his hand guiltily. “So you worked out your Tyra Mail! Good. That’s right. Today, you’re going to be portraying the Seven Deadly Sins. Try to really embody them, rather than just act them out. We’ve got an amazing photographer for you to work with, Christopher Bissell, who has worked on both America’s Next Top Model AND Britain and Ireland’s Next Top Model and is extremely talented at bringing out that hidden emotion - assuming you’re actually hiding any in there.”  
  
The boys all let out a little nervous chuckle because it feels like they’re meant to, but they are still glancing around at each other trying to work out who’s going to be which sin.  
  
“So...” Jay continues, “here are your assigned sins. Zayn, looks like you already figured out you’re Sloth.”  
  
Zayn is trying and failing to stifle a yawn, causing everyone to laugh.  
  
“But, just look pretty doing it!” Jay says, before moving on to Harry. “Harry, you’ll be...”  
  
“Lust, right?” Harry sounds dejected.  
  
“We picked Lust for you yes, because we think you can really own it. And let’s face it, you know your fans will love to see it too.” He moves on as Harry leans into Zayn for a cuddle. “Louis, you get Envy.”  
  
Louis looks positively scandalised, “Why am I envy? Who’s idea is this? Honestly, I don’t envy anyone. Well maybe Katy Perry but come on, she’s Katy Perry and can look at her boobs anytime she wants and... well maybe that kid that got to play the red Power Ranger when I was a kid... but seriously! People should envy me. I get to do _this_ whenever I want” and he turns to plant a kiss on Zayn’s cheek as he’s in the middle of yet _another_ yawn, and ruffles Harry’s curls.  
  
“Well, maybe you can start with that?” Jay raises his eyebrows at the outburst, before turning to the other side of the semi-circle that the boys have formed. “Siva, you’ll be embodying the sin of Pride.”  
  
Siva’s chest puffs out and he’s already saying “Oh cool. I can totally do that.”  
  
Zayn rolls his eyes, “Annnnd... _there_ it is.”  
  
“Hey! I heard that!” Siva is indignant.  
  
“Well, I said it loud enough!” Zayn snipes back.  
  
“Boys, boys!” Jay is trying to get their attention back. “Sadly, petty squabbling is not a sin. If it was, that’s what we’d have you two portraying. Niall, Gluttony.”  
  
Niall grins wide, but his face falls when Jay adds, “But I have to tell you that all the food in your shoot will be fake. Don’t try eating any of it!” Everyone hears Niall’s stomach rumble due to him skipping breakfast in preparation.  
  
Tom gets Greed and when Louis says “That’s because you got greedy and tried to be in two boy bands,” Tom gives him a soft sneer for his trouble, but actually, he doesn’t care that much because it’s true.  
  
And then Jay is saying, “And last but not least, Liam.”  
  
Everyone by now has worked out that Liam is Wrath, but can’t for the life of them understand why. Liam who doesn’t get angry. Liam who doesn’t have a wrathful bone in his body. Liam who gets upset and protective whenever someone does something that could be construed as bad or wrong.  
  
He doesn’t get vengeful and snippy on Twitter like Louis, and he is unable to just remove himself from the situation completely like Zayn. He doesn’t have the ability to laugh it all off like Niall either. He just gets sad and mourns people’s bad behaviour. But he doesn’t get angry. At least, they’ve never _seen_ him get angry.  
  
Real-life Niall is standing behind his sofa eating a Pepparami and he gently nudges the back of Liam’s head with his elbow. “Hey, Li. Did you ever figure out why they gave you Wrath?”  
  
Everyone turns to look at Liam now, who has been very quiet so far, even for him, during this episode, and is avoiding all of their eyes. “Um. When I asked him, Jay said something about comfort zones.”  
  
“Well, you were definitely out of yours that day, mate.” Louis chirps.  
  
The following couple of sequences on screen shows the boys in hair and make-up being transformed, before another short video showing the real reason they are being put through the ringer in this way, and a reminder of the Comic Relief donation number.  
  
The shoot goes really well overall. As it’s for Comic Relief, NTM try to bring out the fun element too. Zayn is put into a bedroom set, and he has to wear - what would on anyone else be very unflattering - pyjamas, but Zayn could make a black bin liner look good, and there are pillows and a giant alarm clock. The “room” he’s in is a mess, and he is told to try to look uncaring and lazy and definitely pulls it off.  
  
“Just channelling my 14 year old self,” he explains. “My mother will be so proud,” he continues, deadpan.  
  
They’ve got Louis in a green get-up for envy - including what look like tights or meggings - and he’s positively _livid_ when Tom says “Ha! Now you really do look like Peter Pan.” and a laughing Harry has to hold Louis down to stop him punching Tom on camera.  
  
“What the <beep> is this all about though?” He gestures at his clothes, “and what does he mean about <beep> Peter Pan and WHAT is this show’s obsession with making me look like a <beep> fairy tale creature?” He’s being loud and obnoxious and back in the real world, Louis is blushing to the tips of his ears while the rest of the boys howl with laughter at him.  
  
“Well _really_ ,” real-life Louis huffs. “What did that outfit have to do with envy? And I still don’t know why I was Envy anyway.” He looks around at everyone creased up with hysterics. “Stop laughing at me!”  
  
Zayn chokes out, “God Lou, you were such a _diva_!”  
  
Back on the show however, Liam is really struggling with his sin. He’s spoken to Mr Jay who has told him to think of something that would really piss him off, then channel that. Everyone’s trying to help, to make him mad _somehow_ , even though it’s not that easy to ruffle Liam’s feathers and it feels wrong even trying.  
  
“Your new haircut makes you look like that guy from Breaking Bad,” Niall tries.  
  
Liam’s grin is ear-splitting. “I _love_ that show.”  
  
Niall grins back. “Me too. Should’ve known that wouldn’t work.” He wanders off in search of some real food. Although he’d _known_ the food featured in his shoot wasn’t real, it had all looked so appetising, he was actually experiencing hunger pains. It wasn’t easy looking good sat at a huge table pretending to stuff his face with plastic food.  
  
Louis attempts to be controversial and says, “Harry fancies your mum.”   
  
“WHAT?” Harry splutters out, wide-eyed, his head-to-toe red outfit from his lust shoot highlighting the flash of shock in his eyes. He’d managed, or at least so he thought, to look sultry and desirable with three female models draped over him for the fifteen minutes he’d been on set. Although, more than anything he’d just been hot and sweaty.  
  
“No he doesn’t.” Liam shakes his head at Louis with a small smile, “But then, even if he did, my mum’s lovely so why wouldn’t he?”  
  
“Oh! So now you’re mad that he _doesn’t_ fancy your mum?” Louis prods.  
  
Harry punches Louis in the arm, “Louis, shut UP.”  
  
In the end though, it’s Siva who brings out the wrath in Liam. Liam is sitting in the make-up tent, getting his ‘face’ applied, a part of which is a spray-on black eye mask, when Siva wanders in, fresh from his Pride shoot, which turned out to be not as easy as he expected.  
  
“Alright? Hey nice mask. You look like Nightwing.” Siva comments.  
  
Liam’s eyes light up. “You’re a Nightwing fan?”  
  
What follows is presumably a lengthy discussion about whether or not Siva _is_ a Nightwing fan - or about superheroes or something - which isn’t shown on camera. What _is_ shown is Harry and Mr Jay going to find Liam about 20 minutes later, and the two of them pausing outside the make-up tent when they hear raised voices inside.  
  
In his living room at home, Niall has his head thrown back with laughter as he knows what’s coming, and Liam is hugging a cushion to hide his flaming face. On screen, Jay approaches the tent with extreme caution. Harry peers around him and what they find is Liam, face artfully made up but twisted with rage, drawn up to his full height - still a good three inches shorter than Siva - but seemingly towering over him and almost yelling “You are WRONG!”  
  
And Siva is sneering antagonistically at him, “No. _You’re_ wrong. He can’t fly.”   
  
Jay and Harry exchange a confused glance.  
  
“You’re insane! Of COURSE he can fly. What about the BatWing?” Liam pushes out.  
  
“Oh, you mean his _plane_?” Siva laughs sarcastically. “What’s wrong with you, Payne? He’s not magical. He doesn’t have powers. He has a plane and he can fall with style.” Siva puts air quotes around the last three words. “If he can fly, then so can I.”  
  
Mr Jay is worried that the argument is easily, and quickly, escalating as Liam gives a little aggravated scream, forcing Harry to push past Jay into the tent when it looks like Liam might actually hit something. Or someone.  
  
“Okay mate?” Harry asks, tentatively.  
  
There’s a brief pause as Liam remembers his surroundings, then he looks over at Jay, eyes narrowed, chest heaving, and says, “I think maybe we’d better take my photos now.”  
  
Jay nods in agreement, “Sure, sure! Let’s go.” and they usher Liam out, Harry nods a little “thank you” to Siva over his shoulder.  
  
“For what?” Siva shouts after him, but he doesn’t get a reply.  
  
In Niall’s flat, Liam jumps out of his chair. “More beers anyone?”, hot-footing it out of the room before anyone has the opportunity to answer him.  
  
Louis is doubled over laughing. “Oh. My. God. I cannot _believe_ you got that angry about _Batman_! And you-” he leans over and smacks the back of Harry’s head “I can’t believe you didn’t _tell_ me that!”  
  
“He made me promise not to,” Harry replies, rubbing his skull. “And ow!”  
  
Liam slopes back into the room, without any beers. “Well! He wasn’t even a proper DC fan!” He gestures wildly with his arms.  
  
Zayn puts his hands up in mock-horror, “Whoa, easy mate. We don’t want you to Hulk out on us.”  
  
Liam tuts and heads back to the kitchen, “That’s Marvel, idiot.”

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